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I don't remember being afraid of the height — I remember my legs shaking

September 6, 2026

I don't remember being afraid of the height — I remember my legs shaking

I remember the exact moment I almost turned back. Somewhere in the dark, about two hours before the summit of Mount Agung, on a slippery rock trail, my legs were shaking — not from fear of the height, just from the exhaustion that had built up over the previous five hours of climbing. I genuinely thought: that's it, I'm not going further, I'll head back down, tell myself I'd already come far enough.

Ahead of me on the trail, a man in a red jacket was climbing — we'd met by chance at the base and had just been walking roughly together, barely talking. He didn't say anything encouraging, didn't cheer me on, just kept moving at his own pace. And instead of turning back, I silently followed him. Not because it got easier. Because someone nearby simply kept going.

Two hours later we were sitting right on the summit's edge, legs hanging over the drop, and below us — below, not above — was an entire sea of clouds, lit from underneath by the rising sun. The line between what was left behind in the dark and what only became visible from that height.

I've noticed the same thing many times since: almost no one writes to me for a reading when things are more or less fine. People write in that exact moment when their legs are already shaking and they badly want to turn back — on the edge of quitting a job, leaving, a conversation put off for months. It's not only about careers — the same with relationships that are draining, money that hasn't added up for three months straight, health that's been written off long ago. And almost every time, when a person does go through with it — it turns out they were very close to their own summit, they just couldn't see it from below at all.

I don't drag people uphill and I don't promise an easy climb — that would be dishonest. Sometimes all I do in a reading is walk alongside someone for some stretch of the path, like that man in the red jacket, who became an accidental companion for me without ever knowing it.

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The clouds that day stayed far below. And the shaking in my legs stopped about ten minutes after I stopped thinking about turning back.

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